What did I think about adulterers before I became one?
1. They were awful.
Like lousy people, they couldn’t do the “right thing.” They made poor, probably immature, and terrible adults who couldn’t keep their “vows.”
2. They were sex addicts.
Again, not able to control their sexual impulses. They were likely to have STDs and all sorts of bad diseases. They didn’t have enough willpower to restrain themselves. *Closely linked to #1 above.
3. They were EVIL.
Sin is sin. They committed one of the worst offenses in the Bible. They should not be spared. Period. This is the “no gray” zone thinkers out there. “Stone them!” and ask questions later. It’s the sad reality that these people judge ruthlessly and live in glass houses.
4. Perhaps they made one foolish decision.
They got drunk and fucked someone else. This was linked to #1 and possibly #2. Impulsive personalities and lowered inhibitions played a part in their escapades. They were off the hook, if they only did it “once” and genuinely regretted it, But, if they kept on cheating when drunk or high, they were “bad” people. See #1.
It’s not just about the “sex.” It is about the intensity of the connection and the loss of it in your marriage. You are making up for that with an affair.
“I used to think that adulterers were selfish people who couldn’t be satisfied with what they had at home.
Then I got married….
To the wrong person…
And my tune changed pretty quick,” wrote one Redditor on r/adultery.
“I always thought there was an element of creepiness or sliminess to it,” wrote another.
“That adultery had a direct correlation with having a terrible character. Particularly, with a lack of empathy.”
“They just can’t keep their pants on and legs closed.”
“Straight-up perverts.”
That’s the thing. There are plenty of cheaters like these out there. But there are also many decent people who are lonely in their unions, looking for empathy, kindness, warmth, or sex from a veritable stranger.
Perhaps those are in the minority. Perhaps not.
Stereotypes exist for a reason.
I’m not here to dissuade you. Until I found myself in a sexless marriage, I hadn’t thought of cheating. I wanted to be a faithful spouse. But years of a long-standing dead bedroom took their toll.
“Can I live without sex for the rest of my life?” I said to myself when I was in my mid-40s.
And I couldn’t bear the thought of having no touch or intimacy for the last 30 or 40 years of my life.
Then, I did the unthinkable. I cheated.
Now I chalk adultery up to the banner of “shit happens” and “humans are flawed.” I realize the many shades of grey in this “lifestyle.” It’s not all wrong. Nor is it all right.
The younger me didn’t think about cold husbands with no libido. I thought you got married and were … done! You don’t need to worry about sex anymore. You are married now.
My how life humbles you.
My mom used to say that marriage was a destiny. “Who you marry controls your destiny.”
I thought that was a load of crap.
“C’mon, mom,” I whined. “Guys don’t have that kind of power anymore,” I said, raised with the staunch feminism of the 80s and 90s. Magazines told me I could be anything I wanted to be.
“Yes, they do. Believe me,” my mother countered. “You’ll find out.”
And I did.
I changed my mind about stepping out. It’s not just people without morals who are cheaters. IT’S PEOPLE LIKE ME.
And maybe you.
