How to Successfully Talk to Women

One of the biggest frustrations my clients (who are mostly men) come to me with is how to communicate with their partners (who are mostly women).

What I find is that many men simply have no framework for conversing with a female partner, especially in an emotionally-fraught situation, outside of giving advice, trying to make her calm down or feel happy, or fixing whatever problem she might be having.

Now, there is nothing wrong with having these skills: having wise advice, being handy, and offering calming perspective are all great sometimes. The problem comes if that’s the only way you know how to be in a conversation. And, most of the time, that’s not what women say they want.

(Obviously, women and men and people of all genders have diverse wants and ways of communicating, and what I’m speaking to isn’t always the case. It can also go the other way around — women also have to learn to listen, and men want to be heard. Here I am speaking to what I have observed with my clients and in many conscious communication classes over the years).

I’m trying to write this in a matter-of-fact way because, first of all, I also had to learn how to communicate well — I too only knew how to fix or give advice, which ultimately left me feeling awkward, unsatisfied, and lacking connection — and second, because it’s not obvious how anyone is supposed to just ‘know’ this stuff, or where we would learn it in the traditional education setting. Perhaps it’s different now, but when I was growing up, there were no classes in emotions, empathic communication, or relationship.

So what is it that women (and I would guess many of us, of any gender) want? What is the 1 thing?

They want their partner to listen.

Yes!

Talking to women successfully involves a lot of listening.

Of course we all know how to listen on some level. Here’s the deeper part. What I mean by “listening” goes beyond just understanding certain sounds as words.

Listening doesn’t mean standing there nodding impatiently and not saying anything while you wait for your turn to speak (oh I have been SO guilty of that one).

By ‘listening’ in a way that creates harmony in relationship, I’m referring to 3 steps:

1. Listening with your entire being — listening to her words, listening for her emotions, listening for what she’s not saying, and opening as much as you can on every level, to be right with her, totally present.
2. Repeating back to her what she said, using her words as much as possible, without making it awkward or robotic.
3. Asking her if you got it right — if you heard her correctly — and giving her space to correct, add, or affirm. Going back and forth listening and repeating until she knows you have really heard and taken in her words.

Listening in this way is an art form! I find it makes relating a lot more fun and even relaxing.

Listening in this way means I don’t have to have the answer, the solution, the fix, or the ‘right thing’ to say. Another bonus is that if I’m having a big emotional response to the words, instead of reacting, I can give myself time to handle the emotions by simply repeating back what I heard.

And of course, it works not only in intimate partnership, but at work too, in difficult conversations with a boss or colleague.

For some people, simply being listened to in this deep way is enough, and that’s all that was needed. In other cases, you can ask if the person would like to hear your advice or your opinion. Or, you may notice a natural empathy emerge: “I would be frustrated in that situation, and I imagine you might be feeling that way too.”

When I learned this way of communicating, it took my conversations instantly deeper. When I think of all the years I spent trying to fix, change how someone was feeling, or judging their situation, I am grateful for all my friends who stuck it out and kept hanging out with me anyway. I think in those days, none of us really knew how to do any better.

If you’ve never practiced listening and conversing this way, it might be a bit awkward at first. You simply need to practice. Call up a trusted friend and let yourself be messy about it until it starts to feel more natural. It’s like learning a new sport, or learning to dance. It’s okay to not get it ‘perfect’ — and in this, there is no perfect, really, just an unfolding process of being human together. Give it a shot.

Want more? Let’s connect in my Facebook Group: Passionate Relationships for Powerful Men.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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Photo credit: iStock.com