Like anyone, I, too, experienced days when I had little to no motivation after a breakup. These were days when I couldn’t bear to leave the comfort of my bed. Days when I felt too drained to work or exercise. Days when all I could see was an endless gray horizon of indifference.
Whenever I thought about doing something productive, all I felt was a soundless wave of futility washing over me, making me think, ‘Meh, not today.’
And let me tell you — when you’re bummed out like this and have no idea how to motivate yourself, staying inside rotting instead of doing anything worthwhile becomes pretty appealing.
It took me weeks of trial and error to get my ass off the proverbial couch. But you don’t have to repeat my story or my mistakes. Here’s what you need to know and do to bounce back from your lack of motivation much sooner than I did – much sooner than the average person, in fact.
How to Find Motivation After a Breakup
A fundamental mistake people often make about motivation is that they think it’s supposed to be present before they start doing whatever they want to do.
But no. Motivation doesn’t suddenly show up to give you that much-needed kick in the ass. Motivation is actually a byproduct of taking action. That’s right, it emerges when you start doing stuff, not the other way around.
Put another way: action is both the cause and effect of motivation.
So whenever you feel unmotivated, just take action. Force yourself to do something — anything, really. Even the most menial of tasks!
Want to get in shape? Start by taking a 20-minute walk. Want to learn a new language? Start by memorizing five new words. Want to declutter your home? Start by organizing one drawer or shelf. Want to improve your diet? Start by replacing one unhealthy snack with a piece of fruit.
You get the point.
Get that ball rolling and things will eventually get easier. Because even if you’re stumbling and fumbling through whatever you’re trying to do, you’re creating momentum. And momentum is what drastically amplifies motivation, far beyond the initial boost you get from just starting an action.
Soon after, progress ensues. And what do you know — now you’re even more motivated. Now your brain is thinking, “hell yeah, I can totally do this.” And eventually, you’re riding the motivation wave, feeling more empowered than ever.
But this is only the beginning. The second piece of the puzzle is learning how to sustain your motivation once you find it, both in the short and long term.
How to Sustain Motivation in the Short-Term
Yes, morning and evening routines help, as do support systems, cold plunges, green smoothies, and red-light therapy. The same goes for setting up an energizing environment that encourages you to do whatever you must do.
These things are great. But what I found most effective for maintaining motivation, particularly in the short term — so effective, in fact, that it makes all the above practically moot — is simply doing something you enjoy and care about. Something that excites you for its own sake, not just for the end result.
It’s either that or finding a way to make a somewhat unenjoyable affair at least a bit more exciting through gamification. For example, you can incorporate points or levels into a particular task. Or you can reward yourself every time you hit a certain milestone — maybe with a nice bubble bath or your favorite snack.
Now some people cringe when they read advice like this. They believe they shouldn’t have to play games with them themselves — that they should just be able to get shit done.
But trying to build motivation without leveraging gamification — without leveraging any form of joy — is an unnecessary uphill battle. Think about it this way: if you can make a dull task fun or rewarding, you’re way more likely to stick with it, at least in the short term.
But what about sticking with motivation for the long haul? Well, then you need something more durable than mere joy. Something deeper and more personal.
How to Sustain Motivation in the Long-Term
To sustain your motivation in anything in the long term, you need a hyper-specific reason to keep going. You need a “Why.”
For example, if you have gained a ton of weight since your breakup and now want to lose some, your why might be to improve your health and prevent diseases, to feel more attractive, to have more energy, or to keep up with your children.
So far, so good. But here’s what most people don’t realize: it’s not enough to have just any why. You need one that is not only specific, but also so meaningful that you’re willing to struggle for it — perhaps even give up a few things for it.
Continuing with our weight-loss example: to stay motivated for the long haul, your why must be significant enough to get you through the required pain period. A period where you, for example, don’t drink anymore, drastically cut back on sugar and fast food, and exercise more than usual.
All of this might suck for a time, sure. But if your why is durable enough, you’ll make the necessary lifestyle changes and finally burn that fat. Not only that, once you reach your desired weight, you’ll be so jazzed about it that you’ll also maintain your healthy lifestyle and actually stay fit.
As the famous German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
So instead of daydreaming about the end result of whatever you want to do, the next time you feel unmotivated, ask yourself, “Why do I want to do X?”
After you answer yourself, ask one last question: “Is my reason for doing X strong enough — does it make me willing to suffer for X, to sacrifice a few things for it, to actually put in the necessary work to achieve X?”
If the answer is yes, congrats! You’ve just discovered the secret of long-term, durable motivation.
Motivation Is Not Enough
As cheesy as it sounds, in addition to a durable and sustainable stream of motivation, we also need some good old-fashioned self-compassion.
Because when we’re motivated, we are usually also hard on ourselves — especially when we face setbacks or make mistakes.
So while you’re doing whatever you feel motivated to do, be kind to yourself. Engage in a gentle inner dialogue. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a good friend. Don’t beat yourself up when you screw up. Forgiveness is key. Being hard on yourself never works in the long run.
Oh yeah, and cut yourself some slack, too. If you occasionally don’t feel like following through with your plans, taking a break — even a full day off — is okay. Just make sure it doesn’t become a habit.
Put simply, sometimes all you really need is to hug your resistance to death.
When All You Do Keeps Failing
Every once in a blue moon, I come across a few readers of mine who just can’t get themselves motivated no matter what they do. These are usually readers who actually applied my advice and stuck with it for weeks or months yet received no fruitful outcome.
They still can’t find any enjoyment in activities they typically love. They still don’t feel like talking to anyone. They still feel like nothing they do really matters.
If you’re going through a similar crisis, I have news for you: you might be depressed. Hence, you should probably turn to someone qualified to help you.
And no, I’m not referring to breakup coaches. Most of them are NOT qualified to deal with people like you. I’d much prefer it if you could seek out a therapist.
If that’s something up your alley, here’s a helpful resource you should read next: Do You Need Therapy After A Breakup And How Does It Work.
Previously Published on maxjancar.com
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