Being in a relationship with an avoidant is, well, I will let you decide. To each their own.
After all, I have been in love with an avoidant for longer than I would like to admit. While it was not the best thing in my life, I do not regret it.
My nerdy nature (hunger for answers and understanding) and sincere experience dealing with an avoidant partner qualify me to write this article. I have been in the trenches!
This article will help you if you’re:
- In a relationship with an avoidant. But you can’t, for the life of you, understand what the hell they’re doing and thinking.
- An avoidant who wants to get your shit together.
Don’t use it to judge and shame others or yourself. Use it to:
- If your partner is an avoidant: Decide if this relationship is for you. If your partner is aware of these things and is doing what it takes to get better (and so are you), there’s hope. If not, it’s going to hurt.
- If you’re the avoidant: Understand your own demons and know your real enemy.
To make this easier for you to read, the first and the last points are the most important. So, I will cover them in more detail. The remaining points don’t require much explanation. They’re symptoms rather than root problems.
Let’s get into it.
#1 The uncontrollable need for distance
Pet a cat (if it allows you), and you’ll have fun. Get too comfortable by petting its belly, and you’ll get a nice scar and a traumatizing memory.
Cats don’t like being petted on their bellies because that’s the most vulnerable part of their body. They kind of feel exposed and not safe.
This, somehow, is how it works with avoidants. They want relationships, but as soon as they feel like the other person is trying to “pet their belly”, two things happen:
- They feel uncomfortable (as if they’re in danger).
- They create distance to regain their safety.
How they create distance varies depending on many factors.
But here’s the tricky part. Most of this happens on an unconscious level. Many avoidants aren’t even aware they need distance. They may act in ways that show they want closeness (and they do, just like any normal human being). But they freak out when someone actually gets too close, and they start to feel uncomfortable.
They feel smothered. Trapped. Endangered. They might even feel like the other person is trying to control them and take over their lives.
Closeness is one of the main parts of an intimate relationship. Yet, it’s the thing that scares avoidants the most. As a result, their need for distance is an attempt to regain their perceived safety. This, sadly, especially if it’s unconscious, nips the relationship in the bud. Even if the relationship was to last, it would be crippled in a fundamental way.
Now, avoidants do whatever they can do to create this distance. They will do all sorts of things that push their partner away (as we’ll see below).
They even start thinking in a very destructive way to feel less close to their partner . . .
#2 All-or-nothing thinking
Avoidants tend to think in this way when their system is triggered. They judge their partner (as we’re going to see) in harsh and extreme ways. And one of the ways they do this is by deeming the whole relationship as less-than-ideal.
When the shit hits the fan, or when they’re seeking distance, they tend to think,
“I knew s/he wasn’t right for me, this proves it!” — From the book Attached
It’s just a defense mechanism. They are trying to get less attached to their partner.
Then, naturally, they . . .
#3 Avoidants want to depend less on their partner
Avoidants hate the word “dependence.” For them, it’s a synonym for “weakness” and “neediness.”
It’s not because people who want to depend on them are needy or weak. It’s because they feel weak and vulnerable when depending on others.
This is another way avoidants create distance and decrease intimacy in their relationships. They think, “If I don’t depend on you, you can’t disappoint me.” (But if someone can’t disappoint you, they can’t make you happy either, can they?)
They’ll avoid asking for help. They will share less information/emotions and be secretive. Their partner won’t know what is on their mind no matter how hard they try.
Those are all ways to ensure they’re less dependent on their partner. If something goes wrong, they’ll have nothing (or very little) to lose.
Now, one of the main things that help them to shut down like this in the first place is . . .
# 4 Flaws picking
“You secretly focus on your partner’s flaws as a way to avoid intimacy (keep him/her at bay).” — From the book Attached
They (naively) think, “If I am not attached to you, I can’t be hurt.” And one of the ways to be less attached to someone is to focus on their (real or perceived) flaws, shortcomings, and mistakes.
Bad news. Avoidants do this more than they would admit. They do it especially when they feel smothered and unsafe. This is how they shut down or deactivate their attachment system.
While the anxious partner tends to focus on the positives to the point of putting their partner on a pedestal, avoidants do the opposite. This makes it easier for them to move on or at least keep their separation pain under control (at least for a while). After all, it’s easier to forget about someone you think negatively about than positively.
Now, with all this being said, here’s what the relationship eventually looks like . . .
#5 Take it or leave it: Compromise or watch the whole thing fall into pieces.
This point is very, very important. So, read carefully.
There’s a toxic cycle in unstable relationships. It’s a dance between the avoidant and the anxious (sometimes even the secure) partners.
The avoidant gets triggered by too much closeness and starts “deactivating.” This means they do whatever it takes to create distance and decrease intimacy.
On the other hand, the anxious partner gets triggered when they feel they’re losing connection. They start “activating” by doing whatever it takes to get close to their partner.
It doesn’t matter who triggers who first. It’s a loop once it starts.
Usually, avoidants have the upper hand in this cycle because they’re in control. Let me explain.
Avoidants hold more power because deactivating strategies are one-sided. All I have to do to get away from someone is to shut down and become unreachable (physically, emotionally, or both). It doesn’t require reciprocation from the other person (unlike activating strategies when one tries to get close to the other person).
It’s like they lock their partner outside of the house and decide when to let them in.
There are only 3 possible outcomes in this scenario:
- Partners develop more secure ways of relating to each other, which is difficult if both partners are insecurely attached and unwilling to work on themselves.
- Leave each other, which is easier said than done. On-off relationships are usually based on this distance-closeness dance and how addictive it is.
- The non-avoidant partner gives up the hopes of petting the belly. Let me explain this point in detail below.
Pushing people away works
Assuming the non-avoidant partner isn’t batshit crazy and isn’t obsessively demanding unreasonable amounts of closeness, they’ll learn at some point that they cannot get close to their partner and will even stop trying.
But for whatever reason, they still want to (or have to) be with their partner. And they realize that to do that peacefully, they have to give up the hope of getting close and start accepting what they have (no belly rubs!).
In other words, they compromise. They stop fighting with their partner over intimacy issues. They stop expecting them to open up and accept them as they are. But it is a sad type of acceptance if you look deep enough because it is a one-sided compromise.
However, without this compromise, the whole relationship would fall apart.
The avoidant partner changes nothing, and their partner has to adapt and accept everything. It’s an unfair exchange and a very selfish thing to do.
I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m here to tell you what it is like. The final decision is yours.
To each their own. But choose wisely.
…
I hope this was helpful
If you enjoyed reading this, Get free 12 practical tips on how to:
- Deal with toxic people,
- develop emotional immunity against them,
- Let them go once and forever.
- Become their worst nightmare ever.
Also, check my books on Amazon.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Yogendra Singh on Unsplash
